8/18--9:16PM--Didn't fall to sleep too well last night, I'd slept in the middle of the day, I didn't bother trying to sleep until almost 2am; I set an alarm for 6:30. I got up and immediately began finding things to do to keep from working out, I finally got busy and worked out for the next 5 hours, that's how long it took for me to get to everything I wanted to do. I've decided not to enter my office before 11am, after working out, I showered and headed for One Stop; the place to seek employment. I only wanted to print a few things, the woman on staff intercepted what I was printing and asked me to log off and leave, she would go on to chastise me; she made a point to mention how much paper I wasted.
I told the woman that I'd written what she had in her hand, that I was trying to shop what I've written, she proceeded to tell me that One Stop wasn't going to subsidize my efforts; it was for people looking for work. I didn't mind leaving, I'd printed everything I wanted and I'm sure I used 1/4 of a ream of paper. I left to return home, I'd gotten calls from Pelham and Charles this morning, Charles was telling me that he was ok; I immediately asked why he wasn't at work? He told me he has an abcess and went to get medications, that he called off work, after one week; yet he'd gone to the store to buy a "dutch" to roll "roaches." While on the phone, he told me that he hadn't called to hear all that I was saying, why did he call then; to tell me that he was ok, even though I hadn't asked.
I've had a mouth full of abcesses, I understand the pain involved, I wouldn't know that he hung up on me until I rode the bike to his place; Nikki answered the door and told me that he'd gone to the store. They were Jonesing, he'd gone to get the "Dutch", I saw him walking back; he had his shirt half on and put it on completely when he saw me. Nikki had an attitude when she answered the door, why does she think I give a shit about her, Charles feeds into her shit; I'd never let her undress in front of me.
I tried to keep the conversation light, it was impossible, I mentioned what he owed me for the shirts and money I brought him, he said he owed me $14; I told him that the shirts were $7.50 each and then there's the matter of the $10 I brought him. His response was such that it irked me, this ingrate was arguing with me, without me he probably wouldn't have a job; they sent him home because he didn't have the shirts. He said he'd probably have gotten the job without me, why'd he call me then, I was tired of having a useless conversation with an idiotic mentality; I told him not to concern himself with the money. Why he seems to take offense to the things I try to teach him is a mystery, the lesson is about responsibility, for oneself; how he thinks he's a man when he refuses to stand by himself.
Pelham called to tell me that his Internet access was insubstantial, that Time Warner was sending a rep to handle the problem tomorrow, I was sitting there wondering why this man was telling me things that I could care less about; I let him run his mouth and he'd eventually ask what my day was going to consist of? I realized he wanted to hang out, I didn't want him within a mile of me today, Charlotte has left me with a short fuse; all the wrong people would feel that. I told Pelham that I'd be exercising until noon, that I had to go out afterwards and I'd be working upon my return, that ended the possibility of his wasting any of my time.
I'd also realize that I didn't want to review the last week, I'd recorded quite a few of my thoughts, I'm not in the mood to relive those feelings right now. I'd get a message from a woman in the UK, she wants to know me, have some type of relationship with me; I responded by telling her that I'm involved in a long distance relationship right now that isn't working out. I'd tell her that following this relationship with one where the distance is increased isn't a good idea. I got the feeling that the Russians had caught up to me!
I was communicating with both my Brothers this morning, planning to go to Boston to talk with Bilal, had an open dialog with Mike about Oriental Fragrances; Oudh, specifically. Mike is saying lovely things to me, things Brothers should say to one another, I went to the website he directed me to; the bottles were beautiful enough to purchase without having anything in them. We began a dialog about my relationship with Joshua.
After the seminar, last Wednesday, Pelham called to tell me that he'd done research on Storesonline; he thought they were a good investment. I didn't care what he thought, I don't determine my actions based on another's thoughts, my actions are determined by my thoughts. Pretty has suggested a relationship again, for her to be involved with me, she'd have to give up her life and live mine; I won't allow that.
I got to the rink last Thursday, had no headphones, an older gentleman loaned me a pair that he had; I'll return them on Thursday. There were a couple of ladies there from Glens Falls, they attempted to get my attention, I saw them upon entering; I'm not in/on the market. They would become embittered by my lack of attention, they tried too hard to be noticed, this would engender them to be bodacious and raucus; they were trying to be heard over my music. I wasn't impressed with their childishness, it would seem that they'd even discussed me with the owner, I'd talked with Charles (the owner) before skating; mentioning Charlotte. Something tells me that he informed them that there's a woman in my life, he's never forgotten Bea or Hanifah either.
I'd spend time with Sheridan and Anne, after skating, they acted as though they were paying attention to their calories; Anne would also be very attentive to Sheridan and it seemed to bother him, as though she were only doing so in my presence. Sheridan would turn me on to Rustoleum rust reformer, I thought he said it etches the rust away, it didn't; it just primes the rust to be painted.
Shawn called on Thursday, he'd gotten his car early in the morning and wondered what I was doing, what difference did that make; he just wants to use my apartment to sex up his chicas, not gonna happen. I went to see Mookie, Jay called before I left, he needed a Visa to go to Brazil and needed to go to the City for that. I saw Paula Thursday, we hugged one another before the end of the night, Pretty sent me an email; she was sad. She told me that she doesn't check her email much these days, when she does, I'm there and that pleases her. I leave the rink, heading to the store, I call and talk to Charlotte; she tells me that she's pissed at me because I told her she had to do something.
First, she called me, she heard my excitement about the venture I was previewing; she heard the excitement of someone that believed they'd found a component necessary for quality time and she didn't gleam any of that. What she did was, in essence, call me a liar by disbelieving my explanation; the second time she's suggested my not being honest with her. I think that bothered me enough not to want to have anything to do with her, she says that she doesn't hold grudges, she can't afford to; were she to do so she'd have only her Daughter in her life. I had to remind her that I've never demanded anything of her, she mentioned this being the second time I've told her she had to do something, she pissed me off so much that I ended our conversation; I told her that she was working me up and I didn't want to be worked up. I told her goodnight and ended the conversation, there are certain things I can't do or say without it causing a problem, I can solve that dilemma; I won't do or say anything to or with her. She can stay the **** away from me, her and every other asshole in my life.
The day you start thinking your shit doesn't stink, is the day you shit on yourself, for someone that hates to be called a liar; she hasn't had a problem calling me one. I got a call from Shawn, they wanted to play basketball, I had other plans and told them so; they wanted to be funny. I'd told them I planned to do some work, go see Mooky and the Baby, return home to do a bit more work and I'd be done before midnight. I don't need them to be busy, they can't seem to find anything to do with themselves and that's not my problem, I told them to come get the ball and they didn't want to.
I spent 3-4 hours with Mooky, Jaden Christopher (the Baby) is beautiful, Lawanda brought him to me to hold; I haven't seen her in a couple of years, before they married. The conversation was scintillating, the baby fell asleep on me, I held him for a couple of hours; Mook asked lots of questions and we did a lot of laughing. I was very happy with the Pattersons, Pelham called while I was there, didn't answer the call.
It was a great night for the amount of exercise I got, it wasn't a great night for me to socialize with people, BeBe's kids skated; even BeBe got on the floor. One of the boys began making faces at me, I asked him if I knew him, that was my way of telling him to get out of my face; the Mothers were in my way as well. I'm getting tired of women dancing in front of me saying, "look at me, look at me;" especially when I saw them before they saw me. Thanks to Charlotte, the world is lucky I'm losing my teeth, otherwise I'd be biting the heads off babies. Charlotte is especially aware that I'm pissed off, I've never ended those types of conversations with her before, so what's really going on; I stopped to get a pizza and soda.
Mook and Wanda asked if I had a problem with babies, I told them that I hadn't held one that small in an awful long time, perhaps if it had been dropped once it might be easier for me; just kidding. Holding Jaden was fulfilling, wtf, when did I turn into a woman?
I'd gotten up early that morning, working on the porch, seeing how badly Paula's Family takes care of things; there were 7 layers of paint to be removed. She can't seem to get anyone to rent from her because they see that she doesn't repair anything, she merely covers what she doesn't want you to see, she's a sluggard.
Paula was here with Karen last night, 9:15 putting things into storage, I'm still wound up about Charlotte; this is a good thing for me, easier to put her to pasture. I'd told my Godson's that I'd have to put a bag over her head, throw her in the trunk, take her to the woods and spin her around until she got dizzy; then run back to my car and leave her, even then she'd be at my door before me!
I spoke to Shawn today, he's talking about buying a house here, he told me that he has to work on his credit; he's overdrawn. Heaven help him if he leaves the military early, he has enough outstanding debt to keep him tied for the next 20 years.
I have curtains hung in strategic places, stepping through these areas, the changing scents please me to no end. That 10#s I gained is nowhere near where I want it to be, I set an alarm now, I work out for at least 4 hours; from directly in front of myself, it appeared I saw muscle. From a profile, there is a substantial gut, I'll be concentrating on push ups; crunches and shadow boxing. I'm committed to my stomach not extending beyond my chest, right now, it has; I'm fixing that. The good thing about exercise, once you get back to where you want to be, you don't have to do all the shit you needed to do to get there.
I just can't stress that I will not be the gateway to the promised land, not today, not tomorrow; not 20 years from now. If I'm currently involved in a long distance relationship that isn't working, why would I want to get involved in another one?

8/13--9:25AM--Shawn would tell me the problems he's having with his BabyMama, she believes he's cheating on her, he believes she's cheating on him; they're both probably right. When Shawn went to Africa, I'm sure he had someone, he was there for 6 months; it's his way of feeling good about himself, lets see how he feels if he contracts HIV. His woman was seeing someone because it's her way of getting even childish bullshit, a person generally doesn't feel their significant other is being unfaithful if they're not, the signs are usually quite evident.
His cell was in her name, complained about her taking money out of his account, not cooking or cleaning the house; how he had to teach her how to please him sexually. His main complaints were the things his woman was incapable of, every woman in his life was the same, here he's had his third child with as many women; he thinks he's the shit and yet he continues to make the same mistakes over and over. Shawn's view of himself is relegated by other's view of him.
Shawn wanted me to let him use my apartment, he wanted to do this woman in front of my wall-sized mirror, I told him that he could use the apartment next door; the door is always open. There was no way he'd be using my place for an encounter! Shawn bought a house, he's paying for his ex-Wife's van, probably still paying for the candy painted Lexus he bought 2 years ago and he's complaining about his new girl not contributing to the household expenses. Apparently Shawn still feels a need to play Big Willy, you can't live a Rolls lifestyle when you have Volkswagon funds, he's never learned to be himself; don't think he likes himself enough to do that. He called yesterday, I didn't answer the phone, I don't need him to keep myself busy.
Pretty called, while I headed home, she was having issues with her intended; she'd tell me that she's had sex with him for the last three days without reaching her climax and it disturbed her. She's been feeling pressured lately, he's been telling her that he wants to hear her climaxing, yet he's not doing what needs to be done for that to happen; I told her that she needs to be firm and honest in her position with him. She would ultimately surprise the hell out of me with a suggestion that we change partners, Chris could have Charlotte and she could have me, I asked her why she accepted his engagement ring if she felt this way; Chris called while we talked and Pretty told me that she'd get back to me.
Shawn was impressed with the size of my apartment, I'd mentioned mowing the lawn, he asked if it was my lawn; a reference to his being a home owner and thereby better than myself. I think what impressed him most was the fact that I could pay for what I have without going to work, let's see him do that. If not for the military, Shawn wouldn't have a life, barely graduated high school and has difficult learning; most of what he knows came from me. Shawn had no prospects before signing up for the military, he knew that was the only game he'd ever be able to play, Devon graduated from college and can barely construct a sentence or keep a job; sports scholarships saw him through. I could have highlighted their deficiencies, what would I have gained from that, love is about accepting the shortcomings of those that you love; not using them to make yourself feel better, something they do with increasing regularity. This is also one of the reasons they find themselves alone, they couldn't stand up to the pressure of having someone highlight their faults and shortcomings, being as insecure as they are; I'd love to see either of them in the shape I'm in when they're my age.
I was happy to get away from them, their insecurities were getting in the way, having witnessed their disrespect for the woman/her Daughter/each other and myself; I'd had enough. I'll keep my distance, they'll have to call me when they want to see me, I won't be in any rush to see them.
8/13--6:12PM--Today is the day for the Internet workshop, I was surprised by what I learned, Pelham called this morning to complain about something I could care less about; I told him that I need to keep the frivolous calls to a minimum; he then told me that he'd be here by 11am. We were almost an hour early, I was on alert going into the place, I asked Pelham his reasons for coming; as I surmised, the free lunch and mp3 player. I must say that I was very skeptical at first, I would eventually become impressed with what I heard and saw, I would envision practical applications for myself and Charlotte's idea; she would call during the conference. I briefly told her where I was and what I was doing, I wanted her to attend the all day seminar on the 26th with me, she said she doesn't think she can; not a big deal. She told me what she was doing, that she'd be working a bit late and would call me later, I'd attempt to tell her my thoughts. At any rate, I paid the one time fee, the hosting cost is $25 a month; 24/7 support. Storesonline will be hosting a training seminar at the Marriott, I'll be there all day, I'm considering the applications for my writing; trying to get to a point where I'm generating multiple engines of income. The question I had, "How to stand out in a global field," when most people utilize search engines, they seldom search past page 5; I want my service or product to come up on page one in the three top engines on the Web. Storesonline's seminar is supposed to teach me that, the all day training session is free, Pelham said he didn't have any money on him; I told him I'd pay and he could refund that on the way home.
After I went to my car for my card, paid for the services, he tells me that he'd gone to the bank earlier and got money; originally he'd wanted me to take him to his safe deposit box. I didn't want to go to his safe deposit box, I asked why he couldn't go to the CU we share, I asked him if he still had money there and he said he did; I didn't understand why it seemed he wanted to complicate things. I'd have to wait for him to access his SDB, access at the CU is immediate, I think he just wanted me to go to that bank and see the money he had in there; not something I felt a need or desire to do. He pulls the money from his pocket, asks if I have a $10, I rarely carry money anywhere and tell him that I don't; I tell him that he should be able to get change from the guys that had been accepting payments there today.
He went to change the $20, he decided to pay the company in cash, I'd already paid them with my card; he returned with my receipt and told me that he'd paid them. I knew the company had been using an old school credit card machine, place the card and receipt, pull the slide; it would be far too easy to screw the transaction with Pelham's new sleight of hand. I asked him why he would pay them when I already did, he went to the bank before coming to my apartment, I find it hard to believe that he forgot he had a couple of hundred dollars in his pocket; as tight as he is with money. I told him that he was only complicating things, I used my card and wanted them to take the money, he could give the cash to me and we could call it a day; I didn't want the posting to my account to be jeopardized by his actions. What if he gave them his money and they still took it from my account, I wasn't having that, he could give what I paid for him to me; now I expect it to come from my account. Perhaps he believed my card to be overdrawn, perhaps he believed he wouldn't be able to access the system if my payment was denied, had he bothered to remember that he had money in his pocket I wouldn't have paid for him and my account balance wouldn't be disturbed. I'd just ceased to be pleased with Pelham, this stank of a setup, were we having trust issues here; he knew damn well he had money in his pocket, I think he was testing me to see if I would trust him for the payment. I don't like being tested, he had first suggested that we partner for the cost, I didn't like that idea; I wondered why he was being so cheap.
I wasn't planning to go into business with him, he'd mentioned his original artwork, his photographs; then his custom furniture. I already had plans that didn't include him, I told him that I was planning to bring Charlotte to the upcoming seminar, he was surprised to see how quickly I decided to venture into this; this made him believe it to be lucrative. Whether the venture proves to be lucrative remains to be seen, life is all about the efforts you put into it, Pelham is of limited understanding and I don't have the patience to walk him through a maze of logic; he doesn't believe he has the ability to learn what he needs to be successful and that shouldn't be my problem. Pelham believed if we joined forces he wouldn't need to understand, he could benefit from my efforts, think again; I don't care enough about him to spend that amount of time in his presence.
He noted when I got the call from Charlotte, her timing was impeccable, the speaker had asked for a volunteer; he almost had to pick a person from the crowd. A pretty young lady got up to assist, everyone clapped, Pelham continued clapping when everyone else stopped; 2 claps and stop/2 claps and stop. He wanted the girl to notice him, I thought his actions rather weak, earlier he'd asked if I thought a woman's shoes were nice; I'd barely noticed the woman he was referring to.
The speaker was merely proving the point of action versus inaction, he gave the girl $5 and told her thank you; she returned to her seat. Pelham's obvious attempt to be noticed earned him the type of notice that makes people ignore you, we would leave after lunch, they gave out the mp3 at the door and I'd almost left without it; Pelham reminded me! I dropped him off at his apartment, I headed to see Shawn, Pelham would call to tell me that he called the company and found that they begin charging for the hosting fee after the first month; he said he didn't want the company charging me blindly. I told him that I would have read everything carefully when I got home, that I wasn't worried about any of his concerns, I thanked him and ended the call; he was starting to act like a chastised little girl.
Shawn would ask why I didn't return his call yesterday, I told him that I didn't want to talk to him and that I was busy, he asked what I was busy doing; I asked him why he needed to know? I would ask why he was starting to act like my girl, he jokingly mentioned having a feminine side, I told him he didn't need to know what I was doing and he told me that he did. He suggested that I might have been entertaining a woman, I told him that was none of his business, I wouldn't stay long and he seemed to have been upset by the fact that I wasn't spending every moment in his presence; perhaps (one day) he'll understand that most people can only withstand him in minute increments, perhaps not?
Charles called me Monday (4pm) evening, he asked if I had a Polo shirt, I asked him if he'd ever seen me in one; that would be the answer to his question. He needed the shirt for his new job, he'd gone to work and they sent him home, he'd done orientation for the local bagel company; they would tell him what he needed to start working this morning. Orientation was last Thursday, they told him what he needed to wear, he had four days to prepare and has none of what he needs when it's time to start; when they sent him home he went back to bed. I asked why he didn't bother to check the Mission Thrift store in the four days he had prior to calling me, he had no answer and was beginning to get disturbed by my not just doing what he wanted me to do, I was disturbed by his lack of initiative and foresight; I would eventually tell him that I'm tired of looking at how lazy and ignorant he can be.
I got him two shirts, suffice to say I was angry with him.
8/14--7:47AM--I went to bed early last night, had a tension headache I couldn't rid myself of, I knew Charlotte would call after that; I vaguely heard the phone ringing. I didn't answer her call, I know that will be problematic, instead of assuming the positive; she's assuming the negative and I'll have to speak to her about that. I called her this morning, knowing she would be too busy to pick up the phone, told her what happened last night; I also told her that I love her voice and want to hear it when she calls. I worked out this morning, lots of stretching exercises, I'll be doing crunches everyday; I have a gut that needs to go.
11:49AM--Shawn called me this morning, he wants me to bring him and the boys to Albany, he left his car there; he needs to have work done on it. I imagined being able to see Mooky today, I picked Shawn up and brought him to Luv's, I thought we'd be leaving immediately; he's not handling the car until after 1. I wasted a lot of time there this morning, I had other plans for my day, Charles would then call with a story about needing to pay for his lunch; I told him to get to the point. He needed $10, why does this sound like a story, because it is; he'd eventually call me back because I wasn't moving fast enough for him.
I asked why he was home, he said he had the day off, now I know why you tell me that you need the money; you spent two days on the job and didn't bother telling me that they were charging you for lunch. Most people are smart enough to minimize their costs by bringing lunch to work, this request has nothing to do with lunch, he'd call back and tell me that Nikki had something to do and he'd been called to work this afternoon; this would suggest that he needed the money now. He was only pissing me off, not a problem though, I told him that I'd be there; I left to get gas and bring him the $10. I parked and went to the door, he answered in pajamas, it was 10:30am; why didn't he appear to be getting ready for work? I told him what the problem for me is, "I don't trust you, I also don't trust your girl; I don't want you to call me for any reason other than to find out how I'm doing. If something happens to one of these kids, don't call me, if you need anything at all; don't call me. Didn't you tell me Nikki has a job, then why do neither of you ever have any money?" As soon as either of them gets a dime, they spend twenty cents, I handed him the money; returned to my car, I placed him and Pelham onto the reject list. If he finds himself needing anything, he can bring his lazy ass out of that apartment and come to mine, he can lie to my face; he can try!
I was concerned about Charlotte's day (8/11), she still has her job, she said that she liked the email I'd sent her; I vaguely remembered what I wrote. When Charlotte called yesterday, I didn't let her tell me what she wanted, it proved to be a very long day; had me wondering whom I could spend time with that wouldn't tax me.

8/11--12:34PM--Met a Brother named Harry, Saturday night, I'd seen and greeted him at the rink before; ex military. Harry came over to introduce himself, really nice guy, we hit it off immediately; I also ran into an old neighbor. The woman got my attention and said hello, we caught up, I gave her my number to give to her Husband; they've been together for 25 years. I noticed her Daughter got huge, Joe (her Husband) is very big, it only stood to reason that their Daughter would be tall; that isn't all she is.
Harry and I mentioned how lucrative opening a rink in Albany would be, we also talked about 9/11, our thoughts parallel on the unpopular scenario; he would go on to tell me that he was a Ranger assigned to Intelligence and that he had stories to tell me that lead up to 9/11 and our shared beliefs. Harry told me that he's working in a Federal Corrections Facility, something that's very personal to him, the facility is for juvenile offenders; there are more of them than their adult counterparts. Harry's Wife is a Professor and the child I thought was his Son is his Grandson, we both graduated High School the same year and our time in service paralleled as well. He's been to 52 countries and carries a coin with him, the coin is something he earned being a Ranger, he's proud of his service; not of his country. I can truly relate to Harry, we spent a lot of time laughing with one another, I'd told him a bit about my time with Charlotte; a lot of that is funny and I laugh at her a lot. We'll talk with one another next Saturday, we're both looking forward to it,
I noticed a couple of women upon entering, they noticed me as well, they haven't been to the rink in quite some time; they made a point to let me know they noticed me. I thought they were trying to hard to be seen, skating in synch, it's like watching Roller Derby; I stayed away from them.
Pretty called, as I left the rink, she'd send a text showing her diamond engagement ring and a pic of Chris; then she'd tell me that she wanted me to talk to him. I had no idea what she expected me to say to him, she trusts me enough to know that whatever I'd say would be appropriate. I spoke to him and found that his answer to the most important question I've posed to date was perfectly astounding, why did he think he was ready to marry her, he said that he understood love is a risk and that he's ready, that he couldn't see running that risk with anyone else but her. I was done, I asked him to put her on the phone, little did I know that she still had issues pending; she wouldn't get into them that night. I know she's happy, I can hear it in her voice, that doesn't detract from the fact that she needs to have him sign an agreement; just in case. Judges Judy and Mathis would agree to the legalities of a supposed union, she understands the ramifications, she also knows that I'll still be here for her; I played the Devil's advocate and gave her things to consider.
I'd dropped off music with Charles on my way to the rink, he happened to have been high, I think Charlotte called early Friday morning; I was busy and she didn't leave a message. Charlotte assumed that I'd call when I realized she'd called me, even though she left no message, I didn't; that only served to further piss her off and she was already stressed and upset. I got a call from her Saturday morning, I was busy again, didn't notice the call; this time she left a message. "You must be mad at me, you must not want to talk to me, you don't pick up the phone or return my calls;" I really wasn't in the mood to listen to that shit. I'm wondering why she's assuming I don't want to have anything to do with her when I don't answer or respond to her call, as far as I'm concerned, she says these things to me; I don't say these things to her. I was merely conducting my life as though she weren't in it, she would go on to mention (in her message) that she only had a question to ask, I called her and asked her why she was assuming I had a problem with her, whatever we were doing was her decision, she went on to tell me that I hadn't bothered to return her call; I went on to tell her that not leaving a message suggested her call wasn't important. She's scared and angry asking if I was mad at her, if I was still her friend, I hadn't called back and it's pissing her off; she was pissed off before she began making the call.
She was stressed, I'm her only lifeline, she depends on me much more than I depend on her; I wasn't the cause of her stress. She's stressed because of her job, because of her life, why take it out on me; if you don't like your life, make changes not excuses.
Her overtime is being restricted, because of the stressful economy we're in, they're not going to pay her $27 an hour to make phone calls. I told her that I had no reason to be angry with her, she was stressed by recent events on her job, she was also lonely; she told me what was happening and asked my opinion.
I'd put her on my reject list, one of the reasons I'd been missing her call, she wasn't aware of that; I'm not the one that tells her if she doesn't do AB or C I won't love her. I don't put demands on her, I told her that she's the most demanding woman I've ever had in my life, I told her that she's high maintenance.
She let the job go to her head, she took the job personal, it's just a job; she needs to put it in perspective. She's telling them that she's doing everything she can to keep the overtime to a minimum, they're telling her to cut out the overtime completely, that may mean taking work home; they don't care how she gets her job done. The company only cares that she get the job done within the framework they laid out, she also has to keep track of the misuse of time and inform management, she needs to make a list of the mispunches; she needs someone to listen to her bitch and I'm it.
I told Charlotte that I shouldn't be the reason for her happiness, that she should find happiness any and everywhere, I can't stress where this country is going or the economy; I retain my Faith and leave those things beyond my control to God! I talked to her about her relationship between her and Billy, between her and Alberta, I told her the things I've concluded; she couldn't dispute what I'd said because it's the truth. I have no reason to lie to her about these things, it isn't in my best interests to tell her anything but the truth, my only motivation is her understanding; I don't tell her these things so they wouldn't be in her life and I would be.
I tell Charlotte how I see what I see, my life would go on if Charlotte wasn't in it, she doesn't want to risk finding out if my life is better without her; she's come to the realization that her life is better with me than without me. She tried soaking in the tub to relieve her stress, telling herself that I do that for her, she told me that it didn't work; I told her that she has to learn to relax. I told Charlotte that she can't be dependent upon me, I don't depend upon her, I hope that she comes to love me with reckless abandon; I hope she comes to love me with her heart and soul, because it's what she wants to do. I don't want Charlotte loving me because she doesn't see any other choice, we all have choices, we talked about love; being able to communicate with one another. We talked about trusting, understanding, what was most important was her knowing that although we have bumps in the road; there's no need to get bent out of shape about them.
The bumps are what they are, as long as we're open to one another, trusting and honest with each other; we can get over anything. She didn't go to work Friday and she was thinking she was on the verge of dismissal, they're not going to fire her, they will be watching her and everyone else on staff; she needs to keep track of everything. When she envisioned the what ifs, she began feeling a need to escape (run away) her life, I told her to stop talking about escaping when things aren't going the way she wants them to; I told her that she needs to fix the problems and stop trying to run away from them, they'll still be there when you return.
I first told her that her problem is a lack of faith, I also told her that I can't save her, "But I want you to save me;" was her response. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and began laughing, she asked if I was laughing at her, I said I was; I told her that I could only stand by her when she needed me. She was eating into my personal time, I hadn't planned to have a long discussion with her about anything, she said she had a question for me; I asked what the question was. She asked if I was out of her life, I said I didn't know, I asked if she said I was; that (ultimately) being her decision. I told her if she said I was out of her life, then I was, I told her that I'm through with the yo-yo shit; if we hit a snag, we say we hit one. I told her that we're not going to keep doing that running away from me shit, I told her if she keeps doing that, I'll let her run; eventually she'll stay running.
The running thing, she needs to be chased, wants to be chased; it tells her things. I'm not chasing her or anyone else, I won't chase a bus, the sooner she understands; the better off we'll all be. I can love her without that, I thought I could, why can't I? I told her my Godson was in town, I had to stop by Charles', because she has no mobility she's stuck in the house waiting for someone to come so she could do something; I told her to get her license some time ago.
I wasn't with her, she didn't want me to leave, I have a life that she isn't part of yet; by her own design. I told her that I have to have a discussion with my Brother about our Brother's last night, I wanted to see if Bilal still had his condo, I'd come to Boston for a few days; I thought I might have time to check the employment scene. Charlotte was lonely, I told her that she didn't have to be alone for the weekend, she said something about having plans with Bert; I don't know. She knew her Daughter was going to be with her Father for the weekend, she didn't go to work on Friday, she could have called to have me spend the weekend at her home; but she didn't. I believe she thought it might make her appear weak, had she been honest with herself, she could have been honest with me; I told her that I had to go.
She asked if she could talk to me later, I told her that I'd be done in 3 hours, she asked why wouldn't I call her; I didn't need her company. I left the rink and called her, I only wanted to know that she felt better, she told me that she felt a lot better; I told her that I'd talk to her later. I told her that I love her, because I do and I'm not afraid to say so, she told me; "You know, I really do love you." I said that I know she loves me, I told her that she has to stop being afraid to say it, I asked why she didn't think I look forward to hearing her tell me that she loves me; she looks forward to hearing me tell her that I love her. I don't need her to tell me all the time, if we're making a habit of professing our love when we separate, then let's be consistent.
I called Charlotte after coming out of the rink, she was talking to her Daughter and asked if she could call me back, she always sounds so cute when she asks that; I would tell her that the sound of her voice has been exciting me. She needed to go to sleep, she thought she'd have difficulty, I told her to think of me holding her; she said she would and we said goodnight.
I told Charlotte about my time with Jay, I told her about Pretty, she asked if Pretty was the one that wanted to have sex with me; I told her that was ancient history. Pretty wants a man to be true to her, she wants what every woman wants, none of that is an issue for her concern.
I got a call from Shawn, Sunday morning, I head over there; Lynne called as I went and we spoke briefly. They wanted to play basketball, I didn't want to, they talked me into it; we headed to the house. I met their Cousin's twin Sons, bad ass boys with smart mouths, they check out the lizard and on the way out one of them throws a basketball on the landing and breaks outcroppings on the bush. I attempt to talk to the boy that abused my hospitality, he doesn't want to hear it, neither Shawn nor Devon say a word; I get aggressive and the boy shuts down. He didn't know me, that meant he didn't need to listen to me, it certainly didn't mean he could come to my home and wreck shit with impunity, I don't stress the boy; he'll never return to my home and I drop the issue.
The boy's attitude set the tone for the day, we get to the park and couldn't put air in the balls, we played a game called horse; everyone follows the first shooter. Shawn is after me, I'm shooting after Devon, I get the first letter; I missed the first shot. Shawn is behind me because he's not giving credence to my skill, I make a shot from 3point range, he misses that shot and gets his first letter; I proceed to give him 3 more letters. Devon never made a shot I needed to copy, it begins to rain, that was the only thing that saved Shawn; Shawn actually tried out for the And1 team. The And 1 team toured the country with the best group of non professional basketball players in the world, had it not begun raining, I'd have beaten both Shawn and Devon.
We head back to Devon's, Shawn is looking for something to cook, Colleen comes to see if he needs anything; I think she came because she likes when Shawn flirts with her. She puts a pan on the stove to brown garlic, she put more oil in the pan than she needed, she set the pan on high; the garlic proceeds to burn.
Shawn had pulled out tomato puree and diced tomatoes, Colleen opens the cans and dumps them in the pot that she removed the garlic from, it reacts like a volcano; spewing sauces everywhere. Any cook worth their soup spoon would never turn a pot on high to begin, Colleen doesn't bother to get a cloth to wipe her mess, Shawn gets a sponge and begins cleaning the stove; Colleen added spices to the tomato mixture and asked Shawn to taste it, she looked to him for approval. Shawn didn't care much for Colleen's idea of sauce, he made her believe all was well and then said "Pops, fix this." I added brown sugar, bbq sc, garlic salt and Shawn added diced onion.
The sauce was so good it could be eaten alone, I would begin to do just that, Shawn had a friend that arrived with her Daughter; things would begin to be taxing. As soon as the woman arrived, Devon began acting, Shawn followed his lead; the twins never stopped being jackasses. Darryl and Darren, 8-9yrs old, one of them definitely gay; both of them too smart for their own good. They'd never been taught that children don't include themselves in adult conversations, I'd get disgusted with the antics of Shawn and Devon, I ate and decided it time to leave; they didn't want me to go but I had things I'd rather be doing than watching them make fools of themselves.
I also didn't want to watch them disrespect this woman, she never made an attempt to correct any of their behavior, even when they began talking about her Daughter's forehead; this is inevitably what Shawn and his Brother do whenever possible. I didn't want to watch how carelessly rude they could be, they never learned that you don't disrespect the people you profess to care about, you don't attempt to make people uncomfortable to serve your own vanity. Devon's house is usually a pigpen, he'd blamed Colleen's Sister, in reality; the Sister probably left because of them.
I left, had I stayed, I would have shown them that I know enough about them to alleviate the antics they displayed; I know enough about them to quiet them instantly. Instead, I chose to separate myself from them. I'd get a call from Charles, he needed a shirt for work, I needed to go to the store and picked up a couple for him; I wasn't happy with him either. I brought the shirts to him and told him that he owed me $20, I ran into Josh's boy Chris Money, he was working at Dicks; we talked about Bliz and he's supposed to call me to pick up a couple of Bliz's albums.
Charlotte had called while I was at Devon's, I had to tell her that I was in the middle of the street and couldn't afford to be excited by her, I asked her to get busy doing whatever she could find so I could get off the phone and that I'd call her later. The mere sound of her voice was exciting me, I told her that we could talk when I wasn't in public.

8/7--8:17AM--My boy Jay stayed the night, we hung out
talking about his time in a war zone, his plans for this
time off; I had him spend the night and he's the only male
friend ever to do so. We visited Tattoo Blues, ate lunch at
the Taj Mahal, enjoyed Tikka Chicken; we left there and
talked about work out programs. Jay's a lot bigger than he
was when I saw him last. We did see the Dark Knight, one
hell of a movie and everything they said about Ledger is
more than true, method acting; he aced it and then shot a
hole through the ace.
8/8--11:30PM--Took Jay home before heading to the rink last
night, he spent the night at my place, he's the only (male)
friend to ever spend the night at my place. I saw Paula at
the rink last night, her girl would come to see her last
night, I informed her that she had company; Paula would
introduce us and I'll have to ask her to repeat her girl's
name. I'd gone to the Credit Union on Wednesday, the young
lady had taken the day off, I went this morning; I didn't
see her right away. I stood in line, singing to myself, it
was a beautiful morning and I'd mowed the lawn. I'd expected
it to rain, there were plenty of dark clouds on the horizon,
I hoped to get the lawn done before the rain fell; I
finished it and went to move the furniture in my office. 
Jay had brought me a Casio keyboard, I'd bought them in the
past, none were capable of what this is; 120 rhythms/230
instruments/fill-in capacities/registration changes/16
channel mixer/sequencer/ending synchronizer and an automatic
harmonizer. This thing will allow you to write music, it
shows the notes, chords; measures and beats, it also shows
the tempo speed. With a set of studio headphones, I can do
whatever I hope to do quietly, I'm hoping to be able to
integrate this system into the computer; with the virtual dj
program I'll be able to do everything I ever hoped with music.
I plugged it in this morning, almost didn't mow the grass,
then found that I couldn't pass the thing without playing a
note; without checking out the various sounds it will
produce. I would call him to tell him how much I was
enjoying it! I'd read part of "Adventures" for Jay, he had
me continue when I tried to stop, he said he really enjoyed
what he heard; I really have to get back on that. My problem
is that I have far too many artistic interests, I want to
sketch more, I want to get a serious camera; something with
a considerable zoom and F-stop.. I'd watched rain bouncing
off asphalt, it was as though the splash had become a fog, I
was rather intrigued by it; I'd attempted to treat mowing
the lawn as a Zen exercise. I'd made a point to be
meticulous in my design, it didn't flow from one to another;
you could see the boundaries of chaos; they didn't overlap
the harmonious aspect of my mowing.
I went to the CU before I began moving furniture, I still
had the mp3 attached to me, I've taken to singing any and
everywhere; I stood in a brief line at the CU and she was
nowhere in sight. I'd turn around to see her coming towards
me, we said hello and I commented on her lower half, told
her that I didn't see a problem there at all; she said
something witty and I didn't pursue any conversation that
would suggest a personal undercurrent to our business
relationship. Both her co-workers seem aware that something
may be brewing, I had a contact card in my hand, the older
rep handled my business this morning; I withdrew $10 that I
neither needed, nor wanted. Upon receipt, I handed the young
lady my card, told her that I'd be at the rink tonight and
tomorrow night; I didn't ask her name.
8/9--7:38AM--Was too tired to finish the entry last night,
tried to call Lynne, got no answer. I don't believe anything
will happen between the teller and I, I don't believe she's
30 yet, that would make her Mother my age and I'm not sure
whether she has her child at her Mother's home or not. I had
problems with a group of kids last night, 3 girls skated
close to me, while I booted up; they needed to be seen, or
so they thought. I'd eventually put my hands on one of them
to get her out of my way, I'd constantly tell them to skate
in the direction of the crowd, even though that was the
guards responsibility; there were even times when they'd
simply stand on the floor with their hands on their hips.
I'd tell them to go in the right direction, spoke to guard
about informing them, he told me that he had and they just
wouldn't listen; guess he didn't realize his authority. He
could have told them if they continued to be a threat to the
safety of others they'd be asked to leave, I would skate
close enough to almost collide, I began having problems with
the males; that was not going to be in their best interests.
People have a tendency to believe that any man expressing
himself in movements requiring finesse, without power, must
be gay; I don't believe all male ballet dancers are gay.
I would scowl at the boys believing themselves enough to
intimidate me, I would have a group of young black females
follow me for the space of the night, at least they didn't
skate in the wrong direction; I attempted to ignore them as
well. I'd had problems loading my mp3 player, the playlists
weren't synchronizing, I didn't get to the rink until just
before 9; that would only leave 1 1/2 hours to roll. The
guard would inform me that the owner wanted to have a talk
with me, he'd been reading the local free paper and came
across an article about a skater that left the area, he was
a free spirit; there was obviously something wrong with him.
We always acknowledged and greeted one another, he had a
serious speech impediment, he would do disco on skates; more
dancing than rolling. He would go to the center of the floor
to do his moves, he was by no means a "good skater", but he
put his all into what he was doing; he loved being on
skates. What separated him from others, he wore gold shorts
and put wings on his skates, he wore a shirt that read;
"hell on wheels" and that's what the writer of the article
remembered most. The man was very pleasant and outgoing, he
spoke to me every time he saw me, he'd even engage me in
conversation; I could never turn him away, even when I
wanted to.
Paula didn't skate last night, I thought she would, perhaps
she'll be there tonight; we'll see! I'm expecting to see Sun
today, he's up from Va, complaining about the cold; pfah! I
won't be hanging with him tonight, his best bet is to get
here early, I think I have to get another cord for my mp3
player, there may be a short in it already, I've noticed
when left to it's own devices the volume and balance need
tweaking; that's not how things should be. Got a call from
Kenny yesterday, I'll have to return his call today, Pelham
called last night, I think it was boredom and he proceeded
to bore me. The things he seems to find perplexing, worthy
of discussion, seem to be self-evident to me; at least the
understanding and mechanics of them. How he'd attempted to
send photos in an email, the problem and solution the system
informed him of, the fact that he was able to complete the
process without utilizing the information the operating
system divulged. He kept wanting to read these things to me,
I sat here rolling my eyes, wondering why he was going
through the trouble of wasting our time; I was having enough
difficulties of my own and I was trying to get the hell out
of my apartment. The mundane things he brings to mind, what
it costs for a business to put their logo on a disposable
bag, why would that be something I'd want to discuss or even
know; I'm going to have to tell him that there's a limit to
the amount of useless information I'll put in my head.
I'd been having my own operational difficulties, like
burning cds; inputting playlists on my mp3. He called to
remind me of the luncheon, the fact that the organizers are
giving away an mp3 player, he would go on to mention that it
must be cheap; I'm wondering why he's constantly mentioning
the price of things? He'd talk about the settlement he got,
how the teller at the bank remarked on the fact that he was
depositing what appeared to be an exorbitant payroll check,
the taxes he had to pay on that amount to the feds and the
state; how he's hoping to get that money back this year. It
seems all our discussions seem to revolve around this and
that money, I try not to concern myself with the necessities
of life, except to make sure that I have them; I don't
stress on the price of gas, I have to pay the price no
matter what.
He seems to want to bitch and moan at every opportunity, I
don't want to hear it, when he differs in opinion with the
women in his life; he's condescending and disrespectful in a
soft tone. He speaks as though he's afraid of the woman's
response, I never want to hear a negative response to the
things I say to my women, there comes a time when I really
don't care what she thinks; especially if she's shown a
capacity to care little for my concerns. I'm hoping not to
get a call from Pelham today. I need to go to the store for
a couple of things, then I need to get back her to work out,
I'm doing 40 crunches a day; I need to either double the
amount or increase the output by half. I'll also need to do
some serious stretching before the hamstring ligaments
retract, I'm not in the mood to do these things, they're
necessary.
I seem to be able to burn music, that makes me happy,
considering Charles called to ask if I can do some new music
for him. He's also asked me to compose a tattoo for this
supposed Daughter of his, he's really beginning to remind me
of my Elder Brother, the tattoo will be easy; her name was
Lyrik, my spelling.
I noticed a red-haired woman walking an older lady, the
woman was wearing all black, at first I thought it was a
bed-shirt; later I'd notice it was shorts and a blouse. My
God, she was shapely as hell, red hair; dyed of course and
had a walk that was music with each step. She noticed me
standing in the doorway watching her, I saw her walk what
was probably her Grandmother to the home down the street,
she did a double-take to make sure I was looking; I didn't
allow her double-take to cause me to look at anything other
than her, I didn't want her to question that she was the
vision I was enjoying. 
I went into the apartment, when she got out of sight, I
wondered about her and in the course of my doings I thought
she might not be driving, that meant she would be walking
back the way she came; I got up from my desk and went to my
door. I opened the door and found this woman walking the
Elder up the street, she aimed her in the direction of the
Mission and began walking towards me, she noted that I was
(obviously) still watching her; I noticed that she was
smoking and I became disappointed.
She walked around the corner and went back into the Mission
Thrift Shop, I returned inside and chose not to think of her
again, I'd find myself back at the door only to see this
woman again; I'd remembered seeing one of the Mission's
residents as I'd closed my door. The gentleman I mentioned
was muscular and well built, I'd now see him carrying a
television for the woman I've mentioned, the Elderly woman
was with them; apparently he was carrying it to the Home
down the hill. I remember thinking the man would get very
tired before getting to the Home with that television, the
television had a stand connected to it, making it one unit;
it looked very cumbersome to carry and it was just smaller
than a floor model. It was beginning to seem that each time
I thought of the woman and went to my door, there she was, I
decided not to think of her again.
I'd over-watered my rose bush, I brought it outside to dry
in the sun, I'd expected to see Shawn today; I haven't
called him though. I think I remember telling him my plans
for the night, I won't be changing them, at 10:45 this
morning I'd get a surprise call from Charlotte; I was too
busy to hear the phone and she didn't leave a message. Being
that Charlotte didn't find it necessary to tell me why she
was calling, there's no reason for me to call her back, I'm
assuming she's keeping that reason to herself; for that
reason alone, I have no reason to return her call. I'm sure
she's imagined many different scenarios for my not answering
the phone, her insecurities at work, rather than tell me
that she was merely thinking of me; she chose to hang up
before the voice mail kicked in.
In the past, I'd call her just because she called me, that
won't happen today; being that she's ignoring the reason
that she called, I'll ignore the call. Even Charles has
learned to leave messages for me now, it's merely a
courtesy, especially if you want the person you've called to
call you back.
He called today to ask for music, I've burned two cd's for
him and will drop them off on my way to Latham. I've yet to
get onto the floor, I've done laundry, cleaned my apartment
and now it's time to work out.
I concentrated on my abs, worked on my shoulders and
pectorals, slowly stretched my hamstrings; I've got squats
to do and I'm finished. I'm tight now, time to clean the
wheels, shower and head out of here. Got text from Pretty,
pics of her engagement ring and her bf, she says we need to
talk; haha!

8/5--9:36AM--I was out of bed before 6, I'd had to get up
last night to put out the garbage, I began a work-out
regimen this morning and I'm keeping a diary for it. I've
got a serious thing about fat, even though I've never been
more than 5# overweight in my life, my Grandmother stood 5'
tall and must have weighed 250; my Mother would eventually
bloat before succumbing to life in a chair or bed. My Eldest
Sister is 20#'s overweight, only my Brother Mike seems to be
doing anything about his physical health, only after a
couple of women he knows (openly) laughed at him and said
that he was fat; in the presence of my Son.
I immediately got on the floor, even though I really didn't
want to, I began with toe touches; 50 of them. I went on to
do 5 pull-ups/40 knee raises/10 strt leg raises/20 push
ups/20 4wy neck twists/20 lower back squats and 25 standing
twists. The focus is to tighten my torso, even more
important, my lower abs; I've noticed that when fat settles,
it begins at the lowest point. The abdomen is the core of
our being, it should be most important that we keep it in
the best of shape, it is where fat settles; once there it
branches out.
Charles called me first thing this morning, he starts work
tomorrow, he wanted me to be happy for and proud of him; I
was all of that. Charles wants to hear me tell him that he's
doing good, I was happy for his progress and let him hear
it; I'll be more specific later.I told him that I'd be by
this evening, I'll make the Brandied Mousse for him and
we'll share quality time, I'm not planning to park my car in
front of their apartment though; the place won't be clean. 
I thought about Charlotte this morning, what else is new,
I'm getting revelations; I understand the problem between
her/Billy and Alberta. Billy and Alberta grew up in racist
societies, as did Charlotte, at her core she wants to be
black; Billy and Alberta see her believing herself better
than blacks. They don't understand Charlotte's gross
insecurities, they come out as arrogance, if you listen to
the sound of her voice; note her mannerisms, you'd think her
black. Most of the people that know of Charlotte, without
having seen her, have assumed her being black. Because of
Charlotte's defensive attitude, both Billy and Alberta were
angered, this only made them want to take advantage of
Charlotte; they needed to teach her a lesson. Billy's
returning to black women was to show Charlotte that she will
never be all she believes herself to be, shows Charlotte
that she will always be second best, his abuse of their
relationship showed his true feelings being anger towards
her; he didn't mind ****ing the shit out of her, it was
another way of getting even with her for feeling herself
superior.
Charlotte believed Billy's actions were based on love, she
wasn't paying attention to what she really saw, she could
never tell herself that the object of her affections was so
prejudiced towards her that he could never love her.
Charlotte would also not see that Alberta is only in her
life when she wants something, neither Billy nor Alberta
went out of their way to spend time with Charlotte unless
they wanted something from her, she's finally viewing her
reality beyond the color of her pain.
I've learned, having not showered in two days, I wasn't
leaving the house; I'm smelling as Charlotte smelled when
she turned me off, a combination of dirt and funk. I've
complimented Charlotte on how she smelled, she is fully
aware of how much that turns me on, why wouldn't the
opposite be enough to turn me off?  Charlotte is most
interesting, perhaps she had to put up with the efforts of a
peeping tom, her abuser no doubt; the reason why she doesn't
want to be in the bathroom long. Imagine always having to
look over your shoulder, feeling yourself being watched,
it's like being in a horror film; the lack of one's privacy
can have far reaching consequences. The least I could ever
do with Charlotte is be patient and understanding, I can't
fault her with her condition, I can only show her that I can
love her regardless; I have to be honest with her about our
time together, why I was turned off by her. She believes
it's her body, I'm not turned off by her body, I'd rather
she were in better shape; that would certainly enhance the
aphrodisiac effect. Charlotte takes offense so easily, it's
not always simple talking to her, 
I'd talked to my Sister the other day, she was planting at
our Mother's grave, I'd forgotten that the coffin is raised;
I'd mentioned Irish Moss for ground cover. I'd mentioned the
moss covering the coffin, how it would seem as though our
Mother were giving life to something new, she loved the
idea; she may attempt the Moss and hope it will grow around
the coffin. I should have mentioned an ivy that wouldn't
break down the seams of the coffin or sarcophagus, she's
planted Japanese Evergreens at each corner.
I've realized I needed words of affirmation from Charlotte,
she would dole them out sparingly, there were times when
she'd tell me that she loved me and times when I'd notice
she made a deliberate point not to say those words; why
would you love me today and haltingly tomorrow? She relied
on me telling her my feelings, she'd feel incomplete if I
didn't, we both also need touch; to feel that our love is
physically there with us. When I've told her how good she
looks, when she's seen me catch my breath looking at her,
when I've told her that she's smelled good enough to eat;
these things excited her and let her know that she was loved.
I can't say that I've ever felt loved by Charlotte, she's
always kept herself reserved because she needs assurances
that her love will not be abandoned, she has serious trust
issues that only she can surmount. Charlotte doesn't pay
attention and will be the first to tell me that I'm not. I'm
truly a tactile creature, I love scents, sights; sounds and
textures. I love going from place to place experiencing all
that my senses perceive.
2:12PM--I soaked in the tub, then showered, dressed and
headed for the CU; I'm going to have to ask the girl her
name. I completed the withdrawal slip, two ladies at the
windows, I was surprised to see the one; she hasn't been at
a window in some time. The young woman in question called me
to her window, asked how my day has been going, that made me
think; I told her that I wasn't sure, one of the drawbacks
to being unemployed. Both ladies smiled and began chuckling,
I went on to think about what I'd done and told them about
working out, I'd talk about society's idea of what women
should appear and actually be. The young lady then mentioned
that I didn't want to see her, she said she'd gained 30
pounds, from where I was standing; she was wearing them
rather well. She was wearing a yellow blouse, I would
comment on the blouse being yellow, she said it complemented
her skin; I wasn't even planning to argue with her.
I was in the CU for quite some time, I asked the lady what
she does for lunch, there's only one reason anyone would
ever ask such a question; she told me and I told her that
I'd be in the CU early tomorrow. I didn't mention why I'd be
going to the bank, I'd like to get to know her better, I
plan to ask if it would be a conflict of interest for me to
ask her to lunch; I did learn that she has a 4 year old Son
and now I have to see if she has a man. I mentioned
Charlotte in the past tense, during my discussions with the
ladies, how a lot of women will be uncomfortable in an
effort to look good; I'm now anxious to see the bottom half
of the woman in question. I've been seeing this girl for the
better part of the last three years, she's always appeared
to be very happy to see me, we've just begun conversing with
one another; she's been transferred to the branch down the
street from my apartment, I like that! I should be seeing
Rashida this evening, we'll see where that's going to lead.
8/6--9:45AM--I spent time with Pelham yesterday, we went to
the Pasticceria, he would drool over the women he'd see in
there; I've never seen a more obvious ogler. If a woman were
to look at me the way Pelham was looking at the women in
that shoppe, I'd get as far away from her as possible, that
(to me) would be the look of desperation. I'd comment on a
woman's shoes, he would tell me that I wasn't just looking
at the woman's shoes, I agreed that I'd checked her out as
well; I found her shoes more interesting. Pelham would
immediately comment on the cost of those shoes, I was
wondering why it seemed he's obsessed with what things are
worth, he even mentioned the cost of the shop's display
case, it ran almost the length of the place; I'd imagine it
costing 30g's. What did I care what the owners paid for
their display case, why would I consider such a thing, I
found the shoes of the woman in question particularly sexy;
sexier than she herself. If nothing else, she had impeccable
taste, Pelham couldn't believe that I wasn't drooling over
this woman; she was attractive, I just don't drool over women. 
I note what I like about the women I see, enjoy that view
for the moment and move on, if I'm engaged in conversation;
I don't allow a vision of loveliness to sidetrack me for
very long. Pelham couldn't keep up with the conversation we
were having, he was actually supposed to be showing me a
copy of the invitation to the Internet luncheon, I never saw
it; the level to which the women distracted him. I didn't
care to see the invitation, I've seen such things before, it
was his idea to have coffee in the first place; it was his
reasoning for our spending time together. I understand that
Pelham has less of a social life than I, that's why I agreed
to go to the luncheon and why we were having coffee at the
Pasticceria when I have a coffee maker.
I was in the process of making Brandied Chocolate Mousse
when he arrived, I let him into the apartment and he
immediately began checking things out, the exercise
equipment; Pharaoh's enclosure. I allowed him to taste the
Mousse, I certainly couldn't eat any of it and drive, I put
it into the refrigerator to set; at first I thought about
making it at Nikki's and then decided her place wouldn't
meet my standards for sanitation.
I left Pelham, Charles called to ask when I would be
arriving, I went to my apartment and packed the Mousse, I
then drove to Charles'. He came outside, I handed him a cup
of Mousse and gave him one to bring to Nikki, I then decided
to go into the apartment to tell her hello; Charles and I
went back outside and she eventually followed. She made a
point to show me that they were attempting to spruce the
place up, why they would bother if they were planning to
move, she'd told me that they'd begun painting the porch and
I could see that; we discussed various possibilities for
improvement. We all sat and they began enjoying the Mousse,
her Brother's girl would come down, she could barely sit
because her pants didn't fit her; another willing to be
uncomfortable to look good. 
I asked Charles and Nikki what apartment Rashida lived in, I
wanted my copy back, they made a point to eat the Mousse
very slow; I wouldn't realize until later that I'd put a lot
of Brandy in it. Upon leaving I'd head across the street, I
ask Ra's Daughter's if she was home, the girl told me that
her Mother was sleeping and rang the bell; Ra must have been
watching from the window because she came to the door with
my folder in her hand. She told me that it was very nice,
she made a point to repeat herself, I hope she made good use
of it; I can only imagine how difficult that would be. I
told her that I had some Mousse for her, she took and tasted
it, she then asked if she'd get drunk off it; I told her
that she'd probably need to sit down to finish it. I gave
her a contact card, she asked where I give skating
instructions and I told her, knowing full well she won't
make use of the card for the purpose of learning to skate.
Charles had told me that Ra didn't have a man, but that she
had late night creepers, Dicks that only came to bang her
back and leave; that makes me not want to be anywhere inside
of her.
I got home and got on the phone with Lynne, I'd already made
a couple of sandwiches while calling her, after finishing
the sandwiches I began eating the last cup of Mousse;
that was a laugh riot and an acid trip in the first degree.
The Mousse was causing me to catch my breath, then it sent
me on verbal flights of fancy, we'd finish laughing to
finish talking; I'd grab my book upon ending our
conversation, I went to bed to read and sleep.
I got up this morning to find that the exercises I'd done
yesterday were killing me, my hamstrings had tightened
during the night, I would have difficulty touching the
floor; I tried to figure out what exercises I should do. I
needed to give those muscles that were screaming a rest,
biceps/hamstrings even my abdominals, yet I didn't; I taxed
them carefully. I would do exercises designed to stretch the
muscles that were complaining, I don't think I hurt them,
I'll know tomorrow morning; I plan to concentrate on simple
stretching exercises, I may have to find hand weights,
improvise on certain exercises; I'm not getting a gym
membership.
I began writing and kept looking at the clock, I told the
teller that I'd be at the bank early this morning, I wanted
to catch her while there were few patrons in the bank; I
would find that she had the day off. I'd gotten a call from
Jay this morning, he's back from Afghanistan, he'll be by
this afternoon; we'll take a walk through downtown. He wants
to show me a few things he's ordered off the net, music and
a movie, I think he needs to walk and talk; I have a few
questions for him. I don't want him to become a casualty of
PTSD, I'll be watching him carefully, I'll see his reactions
as we walk through densely populated areas; we may even go
to shoot pool in Latham. I'll be checking to see how he
looks at people that pass him, how he regards his periphery,
whether he can engage the populace as he'd done in the past.
I'd headed to the bank singing, I left the bank singing, it
will be a very interesting day. Maybe Rashida will call to
be specific about what she'd read and eaten?
1:26PM--I'd dropped onto the futon to nap, being in front of
the monitor is making me drowsy, Jay called, he asked if I
was hungry; I'd told him that having more mass makes me feel
full all the time. I now realize I am hungry and he's
suggested Caribbean, I did a search and found a place close
by, he's bringing me a keyboard; we'll grab something to eat
and hang for the day. We may even go see the Dark Knight,
time to shower and dress, need to get the Sambuca ready!